Twelve Days (It takes two): Day 9

Day 9
Ryan and Sarah had been busy all morning making sure that his parents were well taken care of, providing them with a choice of cereal, a variety of fruit juices and smoothies all followed by a full English breakfast. Ryan was quite a good cook and enjoyed it when he was feeling up to it. Sarah had been complaining of bad back pains all morning and he had insisted she put her feet up in front of the TV and let him wait on her.
Sarah being Sarah couldn’t sit still, she just wanted to make sure everything was just so, the last thing she told Ryan that she needed was his parents making subtle remarks about the house or the food or anything.
Ryan had decided that he would take his parents out for lunch to save him any more cooking and washing up duties.
“Sarah…Sarah…SARAHHHHHH” “Stop yelling Ryan, just go and speak to her. Go on. I’m just going to hoover a bit.”
“No…no…you don’t need to do that mum. Just wait. I will speak to Sarah about the restaurant and then maybe we could all go for a walk?”
The last thing that Ryan needed was his mother to start vacuuming, Sarah had predicted it and he had reassured her that his mother wouldn’t, that she would just relax and that she wasn’t finding fault.
He tapped on the bedroom door and peeked around; he was surprised to find that she wasn’t in there.
“RYAN!!! RYAN!!!” Ryan ran towards Sarah’s voice and found her in the bathroom.
“What? What’s wrong? Are you ok? What can I do? Are you stuck?”
“Stuck?! What?! No Ryan, the baby…the baby’s coming!”
Ryan froze.
“Ryan…Ryan…its coming now…call an ambulance, my midwife, for crying out loud, your MOTHER!!”
Ryan could hear Sarah perfectly well, but there was a wiring problem, the words were going in but he just couldn’t seem to tell his body to move.
“NORA!! NORA!!”
Ryan’s mother was at the door a few seconds later. Sarah was panting like she had done at the ante-natal classes they had attended, his mother was reassuring her and calming her down, and Ryan was still standing stock still on the bathroom mat.
He was brought back to reality when his mother slapped him round the face and yelled,
“C’mon cheese man, pull yourself together!”

IHSW what happened

 

I signed up for IHSW and was so excited to start if the year and to be stitching when what should happen, I was struck down on Friday afternoon with the lurgy! There is a virus going around which is flu-like and so instead of stitching I was being ill. I hope thats all the illness for me this year out of the way early! Roll on February IHSW and days of feeling well again.

I am going to cheer myself up with others stitching triumphs!

Bye for now

Kate x

Twelve days (It takes two) : Day 8

Ryan was in the park early. He sat in his usual place on the bench and Amber lay at his feet. He was exhausted. Most of yesterday had been spent sat in A & E waiting to get checked over in case of concussion and his pride was still stinging after been caught by his mother in flagrante.

His worries about her killing him because of the tattoo had yet to come to the surface as she still found it difficult to look at him without getting the giggles. Ryan hoped the baby would hurry up and be born so that it would all soon be forgotten as they focussed on cooing.

There was no dog obedience class today but Ryan had needed to get out of the house and get some air. As he looked down at Amber he felt relieved that she was well behaved already, if he had of had to train her then who knew how that would have gone. He patted her on her head, “youre such a good girl Amber, you sure do make me look good” and the dog wagged her tail as if to concur.

“Alright there Ryan”
“Oh, hello Thomas. I was just out with Amber. How are you? How’s skipper?” Skipper was Thomas ‘ Jack Russell and had the energy of about ten Jack Russells.
“I’m good. Skipper is the same.”

Thomas looked worried to Ryan but didnt want to speak out of turn so just waited for Thomas to speak.

“Actually Ryan, its serendipity that has brought me to the park today. After the last class, I took the ladies for a coffee, some of them were a bit upset about the cardigan incident. Anyway, I smoothed it over for you young ‘un, and after they finished their drinks they all left. Except for Gladys. It seems she likes me.”
“Likes you?…”
“Yes, would like me for a suitor”
“a suitor?…oh! a suitor, hey, well, thats good, right?”
“I thought so, only she wanted to meet for lunch today and well, her dog Bambi doesnt like Skipper very much. I think they just need some time to warm up to each other. And, so, I cant go.”
“Why? You must have someone who can keep an eye on him.”
“No, not me. Its just me and Skipper now and there isnt anyone else. So I guess I will just have to accept that I will spend me last years alone…”

Ryan looked across to Thomas and Thomas feigned a woeful look.

“Ok, Thomas. What do you want me to do?”

A big grin appeared on Thomas’ face and he leaned in closer to Ryan, “its easy, all you do is look after Skipper for me for a couple of hours today whilst I go to lunch with Gladys. I can pick him up at say 2pm here?”

Ryan checked his watch, it was only 10 am, “Ok, I will meet you later then to collect Skipper..

“Oh, I thought seeing as you are here now you could take her now, it makes sense, right?!”
Ryan realised he had been trapped and two hours dog sitting had now become four.
“Ok, now is fine. Is there anything I should know?”
“erm…not really…he’s just a dog. A really good dog. So dont lose him!”

Ryan laughed, “of course I won’t! rule number 1: dont lose the dog.”
“thank you Ryan, I really am grateful to you for this and so too is Gladys”
“Gladys? How does she know…..” and the penny dropped as Ryan realised he had been well and truly hoodwinked by the couple.

Ryan sat on the bench and watched the world go by for another half hour before he was too cold, and with Ambers lead in one hand and Skippers in the other he headed off to take them on a walk around the park.

It wasnt long before Ryan had come to the conclusion that he had made a mistake. Skipper had littered in the park a total of 4 times and the end product barely looked much smaller than the dog, Ryan was running out of bags to put it in and had started tipping it all into the one bag, he took it to be sign that they should head to the car. As he turned around to head back he saw a horse and rider, it was the one thing that Amber was rattled by, sometimes she would try to chase them and other times run scared in the opposite direction. Ryan held his breath and wondered if t was possible that she hadnt seen them, being a large boxer dog with a lot of energy would mean that if he couldnt control the situation then he would be running very soon. It was the one lesson they hadnt covered yet in class and he remained frozen, trying his best to remain calm and relaxed, and desperately racking his brain for any insight he may have gleaned at some point somewhere. Nothing.

He watched at the horse moved away and he turned in the other direction and gently said “C’mon Amber, this way, shall we play catch?”

But it was too late, she had spotted the horse and began barking and pulling on the lead, this set Skipper off who joined in with her. Ryan could feel other people in the park looking at him and he held tightly onto the dogs whilst trying unsuccessfully to distract them. The only the he had managed was to keep them walking slowly and just pulling and barking and that was mainly because of the slow pace of the rider.

He breathed out, and began to relax, he found the gentle pulling along quite therapeutic and at least manageable.

“Are you ok?” he heard a voice squeak next to him. “Oh yes, I’m fine. we’re fine. just a little excitable. As long as the horse doesnt gallop off we’ll be ok… touch wood.” and he smiled at the elderly lady who had spoken to him.

All she said was “Oh dear” and Ryan felt the lead give an almighty tug as he was yanked forward until he found himself having to fight to keep hold of both dogs as he bounced along behind them whilst they chased the horse across the park. The bag of excrement that he had hooked over his wrist, to get a better grip of the lead, was bobbing along too, the dogs had drawn everyones attention and the rider looked panic stricken as she urged the horse on faster.

There was a loud noise from behind that momentarily distracted them and gave the horse and rider a chance to get out of sight. The dogs stopped pulling and barking and Ryan wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his arm, he definitely needed to get them to the car, and he walked them back in the original direction.

As he passed the old lady he nodded politely, it was that very moment that Skipper spotted a wild rabbit and yanked again at the lead, Ryan pulled back harder but this time the catch that attached the lead to the collar snapped and the lead whipped up into the air as his arm flew skywards as if he was flying a kite and the bag of dog crap was flipped upwards  and some flew out and over his head.

Ryan spun around just in time to see the turd hit the elderly lady on the cheek, he couldnt believe it and rushed forward to offer some help, but Amber was having none of it and pulled him after Skipper and the rabbit.
****
At exactly 2pm Ryan was sat on the bench with amber laying at his feet, he had tried to find Skipper but to no avail and had been run ragged by Amber instead. He was exhausted, sweaty, dirty, hungry and wondering if he would ever be able to show his face again when Thomas turned up.

“Alright young ‘un, you had a good day? I’ll tell youe something..I have.”

Ryan wasnt quite sure how to tell Thomas about Skipper, not seeing as he had broken the only rule there was, and he turned to face the music.

“So, where is Skipper then? Skipper! Here boy.” and Thomas gave a little whistle.
“I’m sorry Thomas, theres something I must tell you….”
“Hello boy, who’s a good dog, who’s missed me then, hey Skipper” and there at Thomas’s feet was Skipper, as if he had been there all along.

Roll up, roll up! I have a visitor! Welcome...Muppets for Justice

Hello Addman and welcome to ‘The Suddenly Kate Show’, it’s great to have you here, I hope you like what I have done with the place.
Thanks, it's great to be here. I appreciate that you've cleaned the bloodstains out of the rug since my last visit.

I do try! Take a seat. I don’t have jammy dodgers so can I offer you a cookie?
No thanks, I'm full...of COURSE I'd like a cookie!

Now, there’s a rumour lighting up the internet right now that you have written a book. Is this fact or fiction?
Well it is a fact that I have written a fiction book. I think...

What inspired you to write a book?
The book is an extension of my Blog, Muppets For Justice, hence its name Muppets For Justice. It is a humorous collection of the best articles from my Blog, plus a whole load of new content. Think of it as a greatest hits album with a whole CD full of bonus tracks and unheard B sides.

Having stalked followed your blog for over a year now and having loved reading it, it’s sometimes silly, sometimes farcical, sometimes crazy but always funny and entertaining, I definitely will be adding this to my collection. So, where can I get my grubby mitts on it and can you tell us anything more?
I certainly can. The book will be available on Amazon  for download, so will be available for Kindle and e-readers, or you can download and view it on your PC. It's difficult to describe what it is about as it is a series of unconnected comedy articles. Topics include cuddling, ruining the Olympics, and starting your own cult, so there's something there for everyone.

Haha. Any chance of a sneak peak?
Yes. The following is an extract from a piece about a character named Mystic Mike, an astrologer who tries to seduce women with his psychic powers:

The steam from my cappuccino provides a visual metaphor for the rising heat of my passions. You sit there, blissfully unaware of the tantric wonderland that will be heading your way soon enough. Like a lamb unaware of the slaughter, your innocence only magnetises me towards you.

As I blow the foam aside to sip casually from my cup, I watch as you take a book from your bag. The opening of said book means that an opening for me has arisen. I rise from my seat without touching the floor, using the karmic waves of psychic power to glide over to your table.

You don’t notice as I intrusively pull up a seat. Using mind tricks I have rendered myself invisible by bending your perceptions around me. You might have said no to many other guys before, but you will not say no to Mystic Mike. My powers of persuasion are unparalleled within this realm. No one has ever said no before. I let my telekinetic shield fall, allowing you to notice me for the first time.

“50 Shades Of Grey? That’s a good book, but how do you like 50 SHADES OF VIBRANT COLOUR?!”

Opening my eyes, you can see a multi-coloured swirl around like a rainbow being brutally murdered in the shower. You are transfixed by this effervescent foreplay. You see all the colours you recognise, plus several new ones that remain unknown to all those that I haven’t yet seduced. The vibrant floorshow continues until the same lights are also circling around your own pupils. We are glaring at each other with a visual intensity greater than a HD TV.

And then it happens. You want nothing more than to join me in my world of transcendent colour. You push the table over in a hulked-out fit of enflamed ardour, and charge straight at me. I stop you mid-gallop with an outstretched palm. I understand your enthusiasm, but good things come to those who wait.

If I read your book backwards, will there be any subliminal messages?
No. If you've purchased the book then there's no need for subliminal messages. You've already handed over your money.

That is very true. So who designed the cover?
Me, which is probably why it's the worst part of the book. But hey, never judge a book by its cover, right?
Erm…*Hides cookies*
There are also a couple of illustrations provided by the marvellous Rob Z Tobor , which he has allowed me to use. He's a fantastic artist and you can view his Blog here.

Ah yes, I love his art and his blog is a great read.

So, what was the best bit about writing the book? Was there a worst bit?
The best bit is that I was able to go through some of my old writing and see how my style has changed. I was able to go back, jazz some parts up and make it flow better, which is an opportunity not afforded to many writers. The worst part was actually getting together the new stuff, and worrying that I'd have enough content to justify a release. That, and the cover.

What’s next on your to-do list?
I do have an actual full length novel in the works, but don't we all? Seriously though, I'm hoping that this foray into the world of self-publishing will provide me with some useful lessons for releasing said novel in the future. I'm not going to disclose anything further as I have a couple of side projects to finish first, so releasing this is not quite on the horizon yet.

Will we see a return of the Muppets for Justice podcast?
Funnily enough, that is one of the projects I intend to finish shortly in the New Year. Episode 6 is pretty much done, but just needs some editing and finalising. This episode is likely to be the last, unless there is a sudden surge of demand for it to return.

I guess that just leaves me to thank you for joining me on my blog today and wish you a wonderful 2014.

Anyone else got any questions?

Twelve Days (It takes two): Day 7

Ryan tried to lift his head from the pillow but it was as though someone had their hand gripped tightly around his brain and with each movement he made they squeezed tighter.

“ugh…”

“Come on you! Get up! Your parents arrive today and I am not handling them on my own.”

“ugh…need…water…ugh”

Ryan stayed in bed, unable to open his eyes or move and vowed to never again go drinking with his friend, he knew that he couldn’t handle too much so why did he always let himself get talked into these things.

“You should put some cream on that and cover it with something. In case it chafes against your clothes.”

“huh?!” Ryan looked up at Sarah as best he could. What was she talking about? Cream? Chafing? He hadn’t fallen on his arse again had he?

A wry smile crept its way onto Sarahs face,

“Your tattoo…on your buttock..” Sarah laughed and left the room.

“wha…” Ryan tried to look at his bum whilst lying on his front and nearly dislocated his neck. It was no use he was going to have to get up and see what she was talking about. He thought she had said tattoo but he must have misheard her.

“SARAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”

“what? What is it?”

“What have you done to me? Where did this come from?”

“hahahahhaha…me? Oh no Ryan, this was ALL you, and there I was thinking you didn’t even like tattoos. It seems you do….that and cheese…hahahahhahah” and Sarah left Ryan standing in front of the full-length mirror, stark naked and staring at his bum cheek from over his right shoulder.

Ryan couldn’t believe that he had gotten a tattoo and had no idea what it was supposed to be. Sarah must have been joking, he hoped she had been, he really didn’t want it to be cheese.

“Ryan darling, Ryan, mummy is here.”

Ryan shivered as he heard his mothers tone drift up the stairs to him, and he let out a sigh, he was about to call back that he was on his way when he heard her footsteps on the stairs.

‘Shit!’ He thought. He didn’t want to be caught and if his mother saw the tattoo she would kill him, even if he was a thirty something with a wife and baby on the way. Hearing the footsteps getting ever closer he called out

“one minute mummy…I’m just…” as the door handle began to turn.

He ran to the other side of the room and tried to hurriedly put on some trousers, as the door opened he had one leg in and one leg out, no pants, was bent over with his back to the door with his tattoo in full view.

“Ryan….” And her voice trailed off.

His head flew up as he stood up straight to meet his mother’s eyes, the trousers were a tight fit but he yanked them and pulled the zip in haste. As he did so he caught something that caused him to yelp in pain, and fall backwards as he passed out, banging his head on the bedside table in the process.

Sarah heard the noise and rushed to the bedroom, as fast as an overdue pregnant woman could, only to find Ryan laying on the dirty washing in a heap on the bedroom floor, blood oozing from his head, a pair of trousers around his ankles, and his tackle (also bloody) on full display. On her knees beside him was his mother Nora, she was shaking his shoulder and calling to him, tears streaming down her face.

“Ryan darling, Ryan, c’mon, wakey wakey”

“Nora…what happened?” asked Sarah.

“Oh, he…erm…heheheheh…erm…he..he was…he…he…he was getting dressed…hehehehhehe…and…oh dear…I’m sorry…I shouldn’t laugh…he sort of fell..I walked in on him putting on your jeans!” and she fell into a fit of hysterics and the tears continued to stream down her face.

“ugh…ugh…” Ryan’s head hurt. How much had he drunk last night?

Twelve Days (It takes two): Day 6

It was the start of Ryan’s paternity leave and it was 10am and he had only just decided to get up. Sarah had been subtly prodding him by telling him the time every 15 minutes in the hope that he would help her get everything ready for the baby’s arrival. She was fully immersed in her nest building and had already rearranged the lounge 4 times by the time he made it downstairs.

“Finally Ryan, at last, about time…I have been waiting for you to get up.”

“Wha..what?! I thought you were busy rearranging the lounge?”

“I was doing that to keep busy whilst I waited for you.”

“Oh, oh right. So what do you need me to do then?”

“I’m so glad you asked…here’s the list!”

Ryan stared blankly at the piece of paper he now held in his hand, the list seemed to be of a similar length to the Homer’s Iliad, and he didn’t have any idea of where to start first. He pottered about the house on the pretence of getting ready to start on the jobs and as soon as Sarah left to go to her mother’s he picked up the phone and called his friend.

“Hey Mike, how are you? Are you ready for Christmas?”

“Hi Ryan. I’m good. Glad that I have finished work for the Christmas break, gives me a chance to do some things I enjoy. What about you? What are you up to?”

“Oh, nothing much. Sarah has left me a huge list of jobs.”

“Really, you have all day to do those, why don’t you meet me at the Red Lion pub at say…noon?”

“I don’t know…”

“C’mon…first rounds on me.”

“See you at noon!”

Ryan screwed up his face and tried to focus. Had the door always swayed like that? He held tightly onto the flap of the letter box and stabbed the key at the door. Several attempts later and still with no success, he stooped over to peer through the letterbox and whisper gently to Sarah. Apparently, gently in his current state equalled the same decibel rating as a fog horn, which he only realised when the door was flung open and a very unimpressed Sarah stood glaring at him. Before he could utter a word, she spoke..

“Ryan, I am so angry right now, where the hell have you been? You didn’t leave a note or anything, you could have been lying in a ditch somewhere!”

“Shhhh…Sair…shhhhh…I don’t know any ditches anywhere….shhhh…youre so beautiful when youre quiet..”

“WHAT?! Just go to bed. I don’t even want to hear your excuse.”

“I love you Sarah” he said as he swayed forwards towards her and swung an arm around her neck.

“Oh please..don’t hang off me…you are too heavy…just go to bed Ryan.”

“I love you so much! I know you won’t believe me…*hic*… but even more than cheese and pickle sandwiches.”

Sarah raised an eyebrow.

“Whaaaat? I know I don’t like pickle but I mean, if I did like pickle and I put it in a cheese sandwich and I ate a lot of them and then I really loved them because we spent so much time together. I would still love you more!”

Sarah struggled to hold back a snigger, she secretly loved the nonsense he came out with when drunk as it was so much more ridiculous than sober, she used her hand to hide her smile and looked at the stairs.

“Ok, ok...I’m going to bed…just remember…cheese and pickle sandwiches…love you…more than…cheese…” and Ryan clambered up the stairs to bed.

When Sarah went up to bed, after leaving him for half an hour alone to pass out, she entered the room and he was lying face down outstretched across the entire bed. He had managed to remove his top and shoes and his trousers had barely made it past his hips.

She didn’t want to disturb him and would sleep in the guest room that was ready for his parents arrival once the baby was born. She lifted the blanket to cover him up and as she did so she noticed there was something on his right bum cheek. Leaning in for a closer examination it looked very much like a tattoo. Ryan was the last person she would have expected to get a tattoo what with his fear of needles.

Then Sarah couldn’t help herself, the first wave of giggles took her by surprise, and she managed to contain them but the more she looked at the tattoo the more she giggled, and the tattoo was so hideous that she couldn’t look away, and the giggles kept on coming, her shoulders bobbing up and down as she gasped for breath, if she couldn’t stop laughing she was at risk of going into labour. She wiped away a tear and kept mumbling to herself that it wasn’t that funny but there on his right bum cheek was a tattoo of a piece of cheese in the shape of a love heart and with the words ‘More than’ written over the top.