22 Apr 2013

RANT! Rant rant rant rant rant! (well somebody has to)

Long time sufferers readers of my blog will remember a few of my rants from before, it was something that was intended to be a regular thing until the rants turned into true travel stories and all annoyance with the world was forgotten and we joined together to laugh and ridicule this blogger and her antics....good times!

Only today, I made a mistake, I made a HUGE mistake, I may have made the BIGGEST mistake EVER! I may also be being melodramatic (who me?!) and blowing this all out of proportion BUT, yes I said BUT, this is something that annoys me to the point of wondering what hope is there for future generations when women...yes! women buy into all this rubbish that is spouted by magazines.

OK, so I am spouting but not really being specific, I shall be specific and maybe you will share in my horror and disbelief or tell me that its a sign of the times and I should just get over it.

Here is what happened, well, its my version of events.

It was a blustery April afternoon when Kate wondered into the small shop situated on the University campus. She didn't like to go here as it was overpriced and god awful but she went all the same. With a new schedule and only a 30 minute lunch break she needed something to entertain her for that time...when what should appear in her eye line? A copy of this weeks Closer! Shhhhhhh....don't all scream at once, I know this is practically a horror story in itself, but believe you me, it gets worse....**sigh**

The front cover has three women on it who are what may be referred to as 'C' list celebs (at least in the UK) and a word underneath each in bold type, DEFIANT, FRAGILE, DETERMINED.

Now, we all know by now that if you give these three words to a writer they will come up with the best damn flash fiction you've read and it will maybe be uplifting, maybe be empowering, it might even make you cry a little or swallow back the tears....STOP!

That was nothing like the mess that unraveled in side.

The first story was about Victoria Beckham and how she wanted to get her sexy back, no she hadn't gained weight, yes she had lost all the baby weight within two days of her last child and no she didn't want to gain a couple of pounds, she wanted to tone up. So...there is nothing wrong with that, woman wants to tone up to impress her husband - so we can assume then that the magazine might be a supporter of women working with what they have. I wont go into the whole political minefield of why she thought she needed to tone up for her husband of 15 years but I will assume it was because she would feel better about herself firstly and foremost.

What follows is a man telling a woman to change her image to be successful, yo biatch u gotta get your sexy ass out if you wanna get noticed! (Will.i.am to Cheryl Cole) or something like that and SHOCK HORROR she is saying NO! Good so far...right?

Next up, a pregnant Jordan doesn't want her new younger husband to think she is boring and so goes out clubbing till the wee hours of the morning (personally, that sounds pretty dull to me!), then Sarah from Girls aloud is being worried about by friends (but they aren't doing anything, just worrying from afar!), a mental breakdown, a stint in rehab for prescription drugs and alcohol abuse (lets not mention the nose that looks rebuilt from coke abuse, the botox or the lip fillers) but it nicely tells us that her current state is due to a man breaking up with her...really? If that doesn't have you questioning your values and whether young women today don't judge their worth by their man we kindly are given some more positive role models.

Yes, step up to the plate 40 somethings and show us your tits! What? Abbey Clancy did it so its good enough for us! You go girl! Just keep your eyes on their asses cos' no-one is mentioning their f**ked up faces. Its not a positive thing, but if naked 20 somethings isn't something you can relate to or 40 somethings  don't worry because B*witched (30 somethings) are nearly nude a few pages later! It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that I am not even joking!

Now, its time for a true story, some hard nose gritty journalism, something to get your teeth into and make your blood boil as Mum-of-two says she is happy living on benefits and will keep having kids to avoid working, where did she get this idea from? Her parents showed her its an easy life and at 15 she decided to get pregnant. Sadly, my sarcastic slur of I bet her parents are proud would actually be factually based.

Hey, don't go! come back - there is more wonderful stuff, you wont read this mag without feeling some insecurity, I don't allow it and neither does Closer.

Celeb transformations, this woman has lost weight = YAY!, this woman has had plastic surgery and looks ewww = hmmmm, and this woman has gained weight (a heifer now at size 12) = BOO! Whats that you say? You aren't worried about your weight? You're eating for two you say? These celebs are all pregnant and are all exercising and eating healthy and have a fitness plan sorted and prepped to start straight after the baby pops out...what do you mean, you were going to take it easy, enjoy time with your new baby and slowly get back into a routine? ARE YOU CRAZY? Be in those size 6's in a fortnight or consider yourself a failure as a parent.

Ironically, there is some supportive comments about curvier girls which is a shame because its the girls of Geordie Shore!, and also Nicole Richie and Liann Rimes have gained a few pounds - at a guess I would say two, but bear in mind that they were toooooo skinny before and are now looking healthier!

So in summary, if you are skinny you may be too skinny and need to get curvy, if you are curvy you could be too curvy and need to get skinny and if you are pregnant then you need to be ready to get skinny as soon as possible after giving birth but remember to have a healthy glow whilst pregnant, Oh and dress the baby bump! Yes, that's right folks! The baby bump needs to be stylish....

The rest was fashion adverts for clothes that only look good on teens and some advice about keeping healthy oh yes, and I almost forgot a small running commentary on how two of Americas teen stars are now flushing their lives away just like Lindsay Lohan - hmmmm....

This type of stuff sends me mental (I know I had a head start on that one!) and the reason being is YOU CANT WIN! If you are skinny, you need to be curvier or toned or dressed better or taking less drugs or not acting like you don't have a care in the world. If you have put weight on then you need to lose it, to get skinny, to get toned because otherwise, no-one at Closer magazine will like you! Oh, and I don't know if Closer supported the ban page three protest but they have no less than 9 naked women in their magazine....so thanks.

I know I could do with being skinnier and maybe one day I will get there, but before I dive head first into a spiralling lifestyle of drug abuse and unplanned pregnancy, I have decided to sort out whats going on in the inside first! Hmph! The outside is easy to change, the inside is a constant battle, but anyone susceptible to this type of magazine is never going to find her worth. We are all important and beautiful and full of potential, I just pray that you are your only judge, don't listen to this rubbish they spout! Being you is great :D

I told you it was ranty! And now I feel bad for being ranty...oh dear...how can I make it up to you?...sneak peek of my latest story??

She had stopped at a bench in the middle of memorial park, an elderly lady with a gentle stoop that slowed her gait, wearing her favourite Sunday best and with her long white locks neatly tied in a bun at the back of her head, she sighed heavily as she sat down. Her hands showed signs of ageing, her skin translucent and revealing her veins, liver spots dotted about like a constellation and her knuckles were so swollen from arthritis that she could barely clasp the detonator.
She sat and waited for her target, she saw him approaching, and he was tall and outwardly handsome with a stride of self-assurance in his jog. A few paces behind him were the agents who were there to protect him, did they suspect her, she thought not. This was her last mission and she was happy to make her name in the History books, martyr of the cause & fighter of freedom, she had dedicated her life to it.  As he neared the bench,  he glanced across at her, he smiled in a chivalrous ‘how do you do’ and something in her eye must have worried him for in the nest few seconds his face grew serious, maybe it was because she had stood up and he could see her clasping something.
The explosion blew her apart into too many pieces to begin to count and much the same happened to the politician who was her target. Crime scene investigator’s had a huge puzzle to piece back together as they matched each last body part to the right body. The death toll was five, the bomber, the politician, his two guards, and another jogger. The impact was a different story.
Meredith was ready; standing at the parapet she began her speech:
Let battle commence, let the future be the product of a battle well won, let the past be the past; a distant memory that is long forgotten. Let us not be controlled by the actions of our fore fathers, let us mark this day in our calendars as the day we made a statement for positive change.
Twenty Five years ago today my grandmother, Meredith Nicole Winters, made a choice, a choice to put an end to Richard Mendes life and to stop his venom from spreading any further. She could not have foreseen what would happen because of her actions. She is a victim as much as we are and I know that she would stand here before you and tell you the same as I do; that we need to fight and be free. We need to unleash ourselves from the government’s chains, to show our strength and not our weakness. To rise up from the suppressed state that we are kept in, to feed our passion to be counted and to walk amongst those whose torment we have suffered. Our time is now and we need to take it.
The crowd gathered in the Community Hall of Little Brook cheered and clapped in raucous applause. Meredith stepped down and smiled to herself. It didn’t matter that the attendance was low, what mattered was that she had chosen to lead them, to fight for freedom and to follow in her grandmothers footsteps, only this time there would be no mistakes.
Joshua Mendes was browsing through the pages of the local newspaper for Little Brook, he was killing time reading the small print on every page instead of writing his application to intern at his father’s law firm. It was only his father’s in name and reputation. His father had been killed whilst his mother was pregnant with him and the details, of which he had looked up in the library yearly in case of any new evidence, were etched on his brain.
As he scoured the small ads he came across one that caught his eye: Meredith Winters invites you to attend the revival of the Little Brook Freedom Fighters Union. For a moment he couldn’t swallow, he was confused, wasn’t Meredith Winters the name of the woman who they believed had killed his father? Wasn’t she a freedom fighter? This couldn’t be the same person, but it definitely had his attention, and he tore the ad from the paper and read through the details again. Joshua thought it must be fate that it was being held when he was in town and on the 25thanniversary of his father’s death. It would mean leaving the memorial dinner early, but he never felt so determined about anything before, and he began writing his application with new fervour.
The girl, the granddaughter of Meredith Winters, had finished her speech. Joshua was surprised that anyone had turned up and he had scoffed at her attempt to rally the supporters. It was hard to get any enthusiasm from the residents of Little Brook for improving the area let alone for calling of arms. When she had stepped down from the podium he had noticed her looking flushed and uneasy and for a moment he considered leaving. Something kept him there and he decided that he needed to speak to this Meredith, the possible reincarnation of her grandmother, to let her have a piece of his mind.
‘Excuse me’ he said, stepping closer to her. She turned and looked at him; her eyes were a clear blue and as big as they were, they gave her an air of innocence that took Joshua completely by surprise. ‘Yes?’ she replied and stood looking at him expectantly, ‘I…I…’ he had no clue why he was stumbling over his words, ‘I…heard your speech…quite rousing’ he said as his brain tried to stop him from being amicable with the enemy. She looked up at him, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name’ she said and smiled sweetly in his direction. ‘Josh…Josh Smith’ he answered. Joshua didn’t know why he had chosen to keep his identity from her, but maybe he could find out what he wanted to know first before he revealed his true identity. ‘Well, Josh…pleased to meet you’ and she held out a pale delicate hand which was surprisingly warm to the touch. ‘Are you associated with the Freedom Fighters Union?’ she asked. ‘Yes, in a way...’ he paused and wracked his brains for something to say that might be convincing, ‘I have been doing some research on the group.’ ‘Oh really?!’ she replied, ‘Yes…maybe I could tell you about it over dinner?’ Joshua couldn’t believe what he was saying but he carried on anyway, what was that saying? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
When the young man had approached her and she had turned to look at him she had felt chills. Something about him seemed so familiar, the way he looked at her, the way he carried himself and even the way in which he spoke. When she had asked him his name she had been surprised that it was so…what was the word…plain? Josh Smith. He had said his name was Josh Smith but he hadn’t looked too sure if that was him or not. The Freedom Fighters Union had been researched to death in the years after her grandmother’s statement, Meredith couldn’t bring herself to call it suicide, and Meredith wasn’t sure that there was much left to research about. When he asked her to dinner, she had wanted to say ‘No’ but something about him made her agree.  She thought he was hiding something, but what it was she didn’t know, what was that saying….Better the devil you know?
Agree with my rant? disagree? want me to shut up? Happy Monday!


  1. I stopped buying these magazines for much of the same reasons, as long a swim an buy them as they are we will be given the same old nonsense - don't even get me started on Heat & Bella.

    1. They are so bad...HEAT especially, I've not had the...'pleasure' of Bella. lol! How wrong does that sound?! Eek! Even half decent magazines have gone down the drain and its supposed to be the 21st century! **blood begins to boil**

    2. and I am sure we all know that Laura meant...as long as women buy them...she was struck by the predictive text monster! Grrr

  2. Agree completely. Not a fan of this type magazine as they are full of useless articles about people who have no bearing on the lives of the average women in the street..... so there! :-)

  3. I wouldn't wipe my middle-aged, unsexy booty on those rags. I very much agree with your rant.


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