Write 4 Ten: Casual
Oh damn! He says he wants to keep our relationship casual. Casual?! What is that supposed to mean exactly? I’ve never been able to understand what that means. Does it just mean that we don’t speak about our feelings? Does that mean that I am not supposed to call him my boyfriend? Even after 6 months?
Oh damn! I’m stuck now in an awkward silence, one that I can’t break without it being awkward, I don’t know exactly how to respond. If I ask what it means am I breaking some unwritten rule? I wonder if I can tell by looking at him. Did my heart just flutter? I think it’s a bit too late for casual. I think, I think I love him. I’ve ruined it now by falling for him. It’s going to be my entire fault for sure. After all, he wants it to be casual and I have messed up. I daren’t look at him, dare I?
Oh damn! I can’t look away. My eyes are locked on him; I just need to see if I can read it in his face, does he really mean it? His eyes aren’t saying much, just gazing at the people passing us by, he is hardly even blinking. What does that mean? I do that when I am trying not to cry! Is he trying not to cry? He does care, surely? Or is he just waiting for a chance to leave? Is that a frown on his brow? Is he confused? Is he struggling to contain his feelings? Is he regretting asking for it to be casual? Is the sun in his eyes? I hate this. If I ask him about his feelings then am I breaking the ‘casual’ rule? Does anyone else ever do this? Do guys ever do this?
Oh damn! I think he is about to leave, he’s doing that thing he does when he is about to leave, clears his throat, looks to the side, folds his arms, turns to me and smiles. He smiles that smile. You know the one, the one which lights up his face, and the one which makes me feel like there is no-one else that he would rather be looking at, the one that makes me feel important and loved.
Oh, damn! Should I tell him how I feel? Or just smile back and say “Casual?! Sounds great, after all, we don’t want to ruin a good thing by getting all serious do we?” What? Oh, you want it to be the casual where we see other people? The casual where we can hang out sometimes at parties and if we are both still single we can ‘hook up’. Isn’t that more than casual? That sounds non-existent to me.
Oh damn! I can’t take it! I am just going to ask him, no tell him. You only live once after all. I think he is just testing me, to see if I say I love you first, you know guys they always seem nervous about saying such things, don’t they?
“I LOVE YOU”
Oh damn! I spoke to soon. Apparently, when he says ‘casual’ and ‘see other people’ he means that he is already seeing other people and they are serious about each other, why couldn’t he have told me this when he met her? Why wait until its ‘serious’? Why let me fall in love with him and then take it all away? Why am I always so naïve? And why am I the last to know?